Controversial take on parenting vs leadership:

I’ve seen posts comparing parenting vs leadership before, and while I can’t help but giggle sometimes at the less than generous comparisons between motivating teens and teams, this isn’t one of those.

But it does strike me more and more; the corresponding rise in burnout of leaders, with that of parents. Of course the relationship is correlation not causation, but the more I talk to burnt out leaders (and over 70% of my clients are also mums), the more I am convinced that the underlying mechanisms have something in common.

What is that thing? Well, servant leadership.

Hence, the controversial take. I know servant leadership is the hip way to do it. I BELIEVE in serving our people. I also am not advocating for a return to authoritarian management where it’s all demanding obedience just because I’m the boss.

Similarly, I believe in treating our children with respect and kindness, and am not an advocate for using fear and threats to raise kids who should be seen and not heard.

BUT…

Both things have swung too far.

Most parents I spend time with are so focused on the happiness of their children, avoiding discomfort, protecting from stress and uncertainty, removing barriers, and having everything they need (and want), that we’ve accidentally raised a generation who don’t know the value of contribution just because you are part of a team, and also don’t know that they CAN survive hard things because they’ve built the skills practicing on small hard things.

We focus on ‘protecting their childhood’ instead of having chores and responsibilities, and in turn we rob them of the confidence and satisfaction of contributing, of being part of something, of working hard for the pleasure of an outcome, of overcoming a challenge to know that you CAN overcome challenges.

Not to mention kids who cannot tell the difference between a need (safety) and a want (nice-to-have). We can blame capitalism, marketing, credit, or parenting, but the culture of spending more than we make in an unsustainable way to buy things that we see others having is only increasing.

AND we have parents who are overwhelmed, overworked, and

overburdened. They spend so much time serving their children that they lose themselves, disengage from their community, and spend much of their kids’ childhood hoping that it’s bedtime soon.

Are you seeing any parallels?

We have a strong social pressure for leaders to practice servant leadership. To self-sacrifice. To reflect on how everything that’s wrong with their team is probably their fault. To always have time, to have an open door policy, to walk the floor even when you’re overwhelmed, to answer calls at night, to cover the sick shift even while your own workload piles up. In short, to avoid the discomfort of our teams, remove the barriers, and offer everything they need (and want) is the job of a servant leader.

Sound familiar?

So if the stats are now showing what sort of kids this approach raises, what sort of staff do you think it creates?

Yep, effectively it creates teams who don’t know the difference between a want and a need for their safety, don’t value the satisfaction of mucking in to contribute, and don’t know that they will get through this tough time because they have the skills and practice at smaller tough times.

AND we have leaders who are overwhelmed, overworked, and overburdened. They spend so much time serving their teams that they lose themselves, disengage from their community, and spend much of their year hoping that it’s holidays soon. (Yes, I did basically copy and paste that paragraph!)

Again, I’m not an advocate for returning to authoritarian parenting OR authoritarian leadership. Though I do often surprise people in my leadership training programs by letting them know that ALL leadership styles have benefits, and ALL have weaknesses. Servant leadership creates overwhelmed leaders (parents) and entitled teams (children) who rely on someone else to fix their problems. Authoritarian leaders (parents) risk invalidating their teams (kids) and also fail to empower others to step up and take charge of things.

But the overwhelming cultural trajectory that seems to suggest that one of these is completely good, and the other is completely bad, is naïve and frankly not making the world a better place.

And we’re only just now starting to see the results of a generation, not only of children, but a workforce, that hasn’t had the benefit of experiencing a range of leadership approaches, applied at the right time in the right way for the right people, to understand that you CAN have everything you need without having everything you want, and that your leader (parent) should ALSO get to enjoy the journey.