Heart Broken by Leadership? Insights from Unleashed Coaching & Consulting

Ever had your heart broken by leadership?

I have.

I started a new exec leadership role, taking on a team I'd been told was burned out and struggling. I was the fourth person in my role in 12 months.

One middle manager, let's call her Annabel, cried in my office twice in my first week. She'd been holding everything together, covering multiple roles with no clear job description for any of them, and had been bullied by one of the teams that she'd tried to get on top of the nasty culture within. She cried for help, for less workload, for support.

I really liked Annabel. She was competent and capable, and had a growth mindset. The main trouble I had was that my "coaching" approach to supporting her wasn't getting us far. No matter how I framed it, how many different ways I asked, how I approached conversations about 'what does support look like to you?' and 'what things can we take off your hands?' and 'how can we change things to reduce the pressure on your workload?' she felt she couldn't give anything up.

So I became a bit more explicit, trying to meet her part way, and offered semi-formed ideas for her to consider so she had control over the situation: handball X task to Y, stop A project, push back B deadline, more check-ins with me, less check-ins with me... She did not like any of them, but also couldn't articulate what she did want from me.

After a couple of months I pitched whether we should split her job into two - one to do the operational management, one to oversee the people issues. She seemed keen on this, asked lots of questions.

So I went in to bat for this, against very strict spending budgets at the corporate level, extreme push back from my boss, and agreeing to give up other resources I had in the pipeline. But it was the best way to support Annabel and wanted to enable her to do the job she expected of herself, and I was so pleased to finally get the budget approved and it all across the line.

Do you know what she did when I told her? She put in a bullying complaint to HR.

Said that I was trying to edge her out of her job. That I don't support her. That I don't trust her to do her job, so am trying to give it to someone else.

I reflected a LOT on this, and I'm sure there are things I could have done differently in hindsight. I could have engaged her more, or tried coaching for longer instead of problem solving, or given her more space rather than keep asking, or asked more about what support looked like to her, guarded my thoughts better. I'm sure some of them might of helped, many of them might not.

But the lesson it taught me that we can do everything right, and it still be wrong. That you simply cannot please everyone.

We are responsible for how we behave, and for the self-reflection to try to improve. But we can't control how others perceive the world, or how they behave. And that is ok.

It is enough to know, genuinely and humbly, that you did your best. Even when it breaks your heart.